The Gryffindor Oracle 2003
by BondGhost007
Summary: 5th Book Version of The Gryffindor Oracle. Read that before this!
1. The Gryffindor Oracle Issue 100

The Gryffindor Oracle

  
Have you read "The Gryffindor Oracle"? If not, I suggest you do so before reading this story. What would the Oracle be like for Harry, Hermione, Neville, and the Weasly's time?  
  


The Gryiffondor Oracle: Issue 100

  
  
Articles:   


Granger's Gone Mad?  
By: Katie Bell, editor

  
  
All around the school, everybody has been asking the same question: Has Hermionie Granger gone mad? Our favorite bookwoorm has been going wild about SPEW; passing out buttons, screaming about the house elves, and even begging me to give her a weekly column about the orinization!! When this humble reporter asked Herm for a response, she lectured me that it was S-P-E-W, and not 'spew'. After that, she responded by telling us,   
"The house elves are in need. They are slaves to us wizards!" After that comment, I decided to go to Dobby and Winky.   
Dobby explains, "Dobby is liking serving the students of Hogwarts very much ma'am. And Dobby is being sure that Winky would be saying the same if Winky has not been drinking muggle beer ma'am." In the backround I can hear retching noises coming from the bathroom.  
"That is being Winky up-chucking ma'am," he says. "Dobby must be attending to her." After that Dobby runs to the bathroom before I can ask him his opinion on SPEW.  
See what I mean? Hermmy is fighting for a cause that will just make the house-elves unhappy! Maybe I should give her that column she was talking about.. just for laughs. Heh.   
  
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Spell of the Week: With the Weasly Twins!  
  
Hasn't Snape got on your every last nerve? Wouldn't you love to embarrass him in front of the whole school? Boy do we have the spell for you!  
Yederye, one of the newer spells in the 7th grade spell book is a spell that is used to help pop stars such as The Weird Sisters or The Knockturn Alley Boys sing better. If you use this spell while pointing your wand at the chosen person, for the next hour everything that person says will be in song. Look at our test results from using this spell on our sister, Ginny Weasly.   
Ginny: "Omigosh, Rosie, did you hear that Harry (yederye!) *in opera tone* aaannd Chooo hhhaavvee been spottted going OUT?"   
HAHAHA! Try that spell on Snape during a boring lecture. Won't it be bloddy hillarious? Be sure to read next week when we bring you another exciting spell!   
Want to see a ceartin type of spell? Post it in the reviews!   
  


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Ask Lee  
Advice from the one and only, Lee Jordan.   


  
Q: How do you like your eggs? I like mine hard-boiled!   
-A 4th Year With a Crush!   
  
A: Dear 4th Year with a crush,   
I also happen to enjoy my eggs hard boiled.   
-L.J.   
  
Q: I really like this girl, but she doesn't show any signs of liking me. How can I ask her out?   
-A deperate 5th year red head  
  
A: Dear Weasly,   
That was a clever name. Well Ronald Weasly, I think you should ask Hermionie Granger out to Hogsmeade while your studying with her. If you buy her a butterbeer or two, you might be able to enjoy a snog session behind the Shrieking Shack!   
  
Q: I think I'm failing Transfiguration! HELP!   
-Failing 1st Year  
  
A: Dear Transfiguration-Failer,   
How dare you fail transfiguration!? That's Gryffindor's main subject! Shame on you! Though, I hear Granger offers tutoring for just 10 sickles an hour..   
  
  
  


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The Lion's Roar With Lavendar Brown  
Celebrating 100 Issues of Gossip  


  
Welcome to the 100th edition of The Lion's Roar! I'm very honored to be chosen to write this section, after only 6 issues of writing! I guess we should have a special.. hmm.. well.. here's the most recent dating chart.   
Crushes:   
Ronald Weasly à Hermionie Granger  
Seamus Finnagin à Draco Malfoy  
Ginny Weasly à Harry Potter  
Dating:   
Harry Potter à Cho Chang  
Ruebues Hagrid à Olympe Maxine  
Snoggers:   
Fred Weasly à Katie Bell  
George Weasly à Angelina Johnson  
Prof. Binns à Moaning Myrtle  
Want to see who a ceartain person likes? Post in the reviews!   
  


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The Lioness' Corner  
Hosted by the mysterious "Lioness"   


  
The Lioness' Says… "Today, last year, Cedric Diggory died. There will be a memorial in The Great Hall after breakfast. The new entrance to Hufflepuff will be a statue of him.   



	2. The Gryffindor Oracle Issue 101

The Gryffindor Oracle **A/N: *squeal!* I actually got a review!! Thanks so much Gkey. This issue is dedicated to you!  
  


Cedric Diggory Memorial  
By: Katie Bell, editor  


  
Yesterday, the entire school of Hogwarts mourned over the death of Cedric Diggory. Now, we usually don't have inter-house interviews, but this was an exception. I had some time to ask Ravenclaw Cho Chang, Cedric's girlfriend, about Cedric.  
Katie Bell: What was your first thought when you found out about Cedric's death? Cho Chang: I didn't belive it. I just kept the thought of it out of my head.  
KB: How long did it take you to get over his death?  
CC: A very long time. In fact, probably not untill a week ago when Harry asked me out. *blushes*  
KB: What did you think of the memorial?  
CC: I think it was very soothing. It reminded me that I wasn't the only one that cared about Cedric. KB: If you could tell Mr. Diggory one thing, right now, what would it be? CC: I would tell him that I still loved him and that he'll be in my heart forever. *starts to cry a bit*  
KB: Thanks for talking to me today on such a sensitive subject.  
CC: Thank _you_. You've helped me let out my feelings.  
Join me next week when we interview Oliver Wood, ex-Hogwarts student, and current keeper for the Chudley Cannons! ****A/N:** Send in your questions for Oliver in the reviews!  
  


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Spell of the Week with the Weasly Twins!

  
  
We _all_ know that you've been crushing on that girl that sits next to you in Charms. Oh c'mon! Don't you wish she would show _some_ sign of liking you? Sure, you've got the Love Potion, but you need something better. You need _Ladova Udava_.  
_Ladova Udava_ is what some people like to call, "A Forgotten Spell," merley because everybody has forgotten about it! Muttering this spell under your breath with your wand above the desired person's head will make them love you no matter what! Here's the test results:  
  
Test Subject: Hermione Granger. Tester: Ronald Weasly.  
Herm is talking to some of her friends when suddenly.. "_Ladova Udava!_" 'Mione than turns around and kisses Ron smack dab on the cheek. Amazing!  
  


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Ask Lee Advice from the one and only, Lee Jordan.

  
Q: er.. Lee? We accidently lit the door on fire! -two identical red-headed 7th years A: Dear People, Hmm.. wonder who you could be? You two are in serious trouble.. that's the third dorm door this week!  
Q: Lee, I have a charms exam coming up and I have a question- why isn't black violet black, or violet? -Hannah Abott A: Dear Hufflepuff, Why the hell is there a Hufflepuff in my column!?!? Isn't this called the **_The Gryffindor Oracle!?!?_**  
Q: I have detention again, for trying to hump Malfoy. Help me Lee! How can I get out of it? -Seamus Finnagin, 5th Year A: Ew, you pervert! Do I honestly look like I give a frick?  
**A/N**: Send in your questions to Lee in the reviews!  
  


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The Lion's Roar with Lavendar Brown

** TEACHER UPDATE!! ** It seems that Prof. Dumbledor is crushing on Prof. McGonnagal! Our mighty headmaster has been spotted exchanging roses with our House Head, and the transfiguration teacher reportedly asked Mr. D out! Meanwhile, Moaning Myrtle and Prof. Binns continue to snog under the Whompping Willow. Is there a proposal in the future?  
Dating Chart: Crushes: Lavendar Brown -> Harry Potter [Who put that in here?] Colin Creevy -> Parvati Patil Dating: Albus Dumbledor -> Minerva McGonnagall Ronald Weasly -> Hermione Granger Snog Session!: Harry Potter -> Cho Chang Ginny Weasly -> Dean Thomas   
  


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The Lioness' Corner  
Hosted by the mysterious "Lioness"  


A Lioness' Poem Forever in my heart Waiting in my soul Talking in my brain Wherever I shall go. -Cho Chang nikmikejfrh riujfjuituur788yuyuu8ruruuurekofkfjkjkej7365677sophia67801 


	3. The Gryffindor Oracle Issue 102

**A/N: Thank you so much for being my reviewer Gkey. But since I haven't updated forever, you probably ain't reading this.  
Here goes:**  
The Gryffindor Oracle 2003  
  


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**Muggle Music**  
By: Seamus Finnagin  


  
  
One fine day in Muggle Studies, I came across a very intresting subject: Muggle Music. Muggle Music mostly consists of what is commonly reffered to as 'pop', 'rock and role', 'country', and 'wrap. Muggle music is very intruging, as it is much different from that of wizard's. Muggles use no means of magic to help them, and can still belt a wonderful toon. Here are some of the best examples:  
  


Liza Menelii- She sings about the most wonderful subjects.  
The Backstreet Boys- Great voice and tight butts. ;)  
Avril Lavinge- So many people say that she's pop, so she must be good. M&M- I can barley understand him he's so good!  


  
You can listen to these wonderful musicicans by using spells such as 'Kazaa', 'Morefeus', and 'LymeWyre', though these spells have not worked for me.   
  


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**

Oliver Wood: The Hogwarts Quidditch Legend

**  
Two-part interview with Katie Bell  
  
Oliver Wood, former captain of the Gryffindor team, current keeper for the Chuddley Cannons, and model for PlayWitch-Magazine took some time to talk to me about his wonderful life.  


Katie Bell: Hi Oliver, thanks for being here today.  
Oliver Wood: Oy, it's my pleasure.  
KB: How have you been since you left Hogwarts?  
OW: Great. As soon as I left I had dozens of Quidditch Scouts on me, and papparizis soon followed. Before I knew it I was posing naked for magazines!  
KB: *coughs* Um, do you have any samples?  
OW: Sure. *slides a paper to me*  
KB: mmmm... So anyway, what is Pro Quidditch like?  
OW: It's tough. People are always bouncing the quaffle off the walls and flying straight through the hoops.  
KB: Wow, sounds tough. Well, that's all the time we have today. See you next time when we interview House Head, Minerva McGonnagall! *gazes at pictures*  
**A/N: Post questions for Minerva in the reviews**  
  


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Spell of the Week

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With the Weasly Twins  
  
_SHUUUT UUPP!_ I know that everybody reading this has somebody that they wish would just QUIT TALKING and BE QUIET. Like Draco Malfoy, or Ernie Macmillan for instance. This spell is gaurenteed to make the victum shut up, listen, and forget what they were talking about. Look!  
**Tester:** Angelina Johnson **Victim:** Hannah Abbot  
Hannah is blabbing to Angel how Hufflepuff is going to win the House Cup this year. Angel, a devoted lion, is engraged and points her wand at Hannah. "Hushius, Youish." Hannah immediatley shuts her mouth and walks away.  
Hushius Youish is the spell for today, what will we think of next?  
  


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**Ask Lee**  
  
Advice from the One and Only, Lee Jordan  


  
Q: Lee, why are you so perfect? How do you do it?  
-4th Year  
  
A: Well, I am perfect, aren't I? Meet me in dorm #9 tonight...  
  
Q: I think my girlfriend is about to break up with me. What should I do?  
-Harry Potter, 5th Year  
  
A: Harry, I think Cho is a good girl for you, but isn't ready for a relationship. Respect her wishes dude.  
  
Q: Did you actually just answer seriously??  
-Harry  
  
A: Well ye- wait a second... how'd you know? HOW'D YOU GET IN HERE TWICE!??!  
  


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**The Lion's Roar With Lavendar Brown**

  
  
Nothing special today, but watch next week for the 104th issue where I'll give you 104 reasons (minus 90) reasons that inter-house dating is WRONG.  
Rumored Break-Ups:  
Hermione Granger - > Harry Potter  
  
Crushes:  
Draco Malfoy - > Parvati Patill  
Harry Potter - > Lavendar Brown (*blushes*)  
Lee Jordan - > Angel[ina] Johnson  
  
Dating:  
Madame Olyimpe - > Reubeus Hagrid  
Fred Weasly - > Katie Bell  
  
SNOG Session!:  
Seamus Finnagin - > Draco Malfoy (Malfoy?)  
Dean Thomas - > Ginny Weasly  
Emilia Brown (my little sis!) - > Colin Creevy  
  
Prof. Binns - > Moaning Myrtle (they're engaged!!! Awww!)  
**A/N: No Lioness today, she's on vacation. =) R&R please! **


	4. The Gryffindor Oracle Issue 103

A/N: Yes, I know that "Silencio" is the silence charm. -- But that makes you silent, "Hushius Youish", makes you forget you were talking and want to  
listen. Without further ado...  
  
The Gryffindor Oracle 2004  
  
Issue 103  
  
What's Hot and What's Not with Seamus Finnigan  
  
What's the hottest new craze to sweep Hogwarts? Well it's obviously not Mandrakes! Yes kids, Professer Sprout has been harvesting these babies (pun intented) for a few days now, after recent potion explosions with The-Evil- One (Snape) left Neville Longbottom and Lavendar Brown unconcious. When asked to comment, Snape hastily snapped, "It's not my fault Longbottom can't conjure a simple Unicorn Wound Remedy. And if Ms. Lavendar can't stand to get her nails wet by dropping in a bat wing, nobody should be looking at me." Your Trendsetting Columnist searched for more answers to why the headache-invoking Mandrakes are being grown and found a gold mine in Professer Sprout. It seems the Mandrakes have been put in special soundproof cells yet screams still submerge from the walls. When Longbottom and Brown are revived, Minerva McGonagal is expected to question them each after reports by many Gryffindor students claim, "Snape 'mistakenly' pushed them each in to their cauldrons in an angry storm through the room."  
  
And that's what's not hot this week. ----- Oliver Wood: The Hogwarts Quidditch Legend Part Two with Katie Bell  
  
Katie Bell, editor-in-chief of The Oracle, sat down once more with Qudditch superstar Oliver Wood to discuss a bit more about his life.  
  
Katie Bell: Hi Olliver, thanks for talking with me again today. Oliver Wood: Actually, Katie, you can call me Ollie. KB: [blushes] Alright... er... Ollie. OW: So... KB: Oh, right! So tell me, how's your love life been? OW: Well, recently, I broke up with (Weird Sister) Becca Jose- KB: Ollie, I'm so so- OW: -but now I'm dating my captain Ella McBeck. KB: [sighs] So you're not available... I'm sure thousands of girls are sad to see that. OW: [laughs] KB: Well, that's all the time we have today! Join us next week when we interview house head Minerva McGonnagal! ----- Spell of the Week with the Weasly Twins  
  
Hair potions not working? Muggle products too much of a mess? Need a great hairdo for your date with one of us? wink Then the spell for you is "Showdia". Proffeser McGonnagal invented Showdia in her younger years to help fix hair at her Diagon Alley salon "Showdye". Just say Showdia and the name of the hairstyle you want, point your wand at your hair, and POOF! There it is! Let's check out our... ahem... Unsuspecting test subject. Fred Weasly is hiding behind a corner in the Boys Dormitory. Harry Potter sits on his bead reading a book. Fred emerges, points the wand at Harry, and whispers "Showdia Mohawk". The wand flys from Fred's hand and begins to work it's magic around Harry's head, creating a cloud of hair surrounding him. When the wand returns to Fred's hand, Harry looks up with a black spiked mohawk sitting atop his head.  
  
Showdia is the spell for today, what will we think of next? ----- Ask Lee Advice from the One and Only, Lee Jordan  
  
Q: Yo Jordan, I need to know: What are the magical properties of moonshine? Colin Creevy, 4th year student  
  
A: Potions? Screw it! You don't need to know potions! Lee Jordan --- Q: Any info on the potions scandal? Did Snape really push 'em in? Intrested Student  
  
A: I do not have any information on a bribe that may or may not have occurred between me and Severus keeping me from answering your question. --- Q: I've been watching some muggle movies, just for fun, and my grandmother has sent me a new kind. How do you play a DVD? Mangled with Muggles  
  
A: Well, you just might have to play a DVD with a DVD Player! gasp Ya think? Lee Jordan ----- The Lion's Roar with Emelia Brown  
  
Unfortunatley, my sister Lavendar has been knocked out in a potions accident, so I will be filling in for this week's gossip column. This also means that the "14 Reasons that Inter-House Realtionships Are Wrong" segment has been put off. This time, I'm not gonna use Lavendar's stupid dating chart. Here goes: Emelia's Gossip Report: Harry Potter, the newest chick magnet at Hogwarts, has been spotted recently- with three different girls! Yes, it doesn't sound like Potter but's it true! Camile Ilaska was reportedly seen holding his hand after a recent Transfiguration test as they skipped down the hall. Then, just the next morning, he was caught kissing younger-woman Ginny Weasly on the cheek! (No word on what Ron Weasly has to say about this.) But most recently, Harry and Estella Voyda have been spotted out in Hogsmeade and flirt a lot in the castle. Other girls crushing on Harry include Lavendar Brown, Sally Fuegan, and even his enemy, Hufflepuff Hannah Abbot. Myrtle reportetly was cheerfully talking to Estella, when the ghost dropped Potter's name. Estella whispered to Myrtle about her crush on Harry, and Myrtle set them up, knowing of Harry's recent breakup with Cho. Latley Harry and Estella have been a very serious couple, although Estella admits, "We haven't kissed yet." Last week, when Professer Binns, the history-teaching ghost, popped the question to depressive Moaning Myrtle, Myrtle hasn't had anything to moan about! Moaning Myrtle, who will become Myrtle Binns this summer after school is out, has been excessivley happy and has even pranced outside of the girls' bathroom, singing and handing out Chocolate Frogs to all the students. In fact, she seems to be the matchmacker behind the new perfect couple, Harry Potter and Estella Voyda. After getting together almost two months ago, Hermione Granger and Ron Weasly are still going strong. They were spotted cuddling at a Hufflepuff- Ravenclaw game as they talked and whispered in each other's ear. At a recent Gryffindor Common Room party, Hermione was sitting on his lap and they shared a public make-out session on the couch. -----  
  
A Lioness Riddle with The Lioness  
  
You're in a house with no windows, no door, just a mirror and a table. How do you escape? Answer next week.  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Read and rate, please? Next week, we welcome The S.P.E.W Column, McGonagol, and an intresting Lioness. Sorry for taking so long to update! 


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